"My first yoga class after my acupuncture session I noticed a difference immediately. I was much looser and more open in my shoulders and hips, and I felt as if I were using a completely different set of muscles. The next day, I had an antagonistic reaction: I felt as if I was too loose, as if I were swimming in clothes a couple of sizes too big. I was especially tired after the practice. I also had an emotional resistance to the experience and I had to force myself to focus and move forward. I also resisted writing down my experience. Only now, two weeks later, have I expressed myself here, well after the first impressions have faded." from pranayoga.com, a yoga blog

I'm starting off with this quote as it jumped out and smacked me in the face (rude behaviour, that, but it is often the only way to get my attention). I've been doing research on prana, which is one of the Sanskrit words which is used fast and loose in the yoga world, but which really doesn't mean anything to most of us.

(Stay with me now, as this will all get back to the quote, in a while).

I'm involved with a great group - Vancouver Yoga Sangha. We're doing a six-month group project to explore prana - what is it? Perhaps some other place I'll got into excruciating (yet fascinating!) detail regarding the how, but the what is: prana is Life. Those crazy rishis were talking about the science of life, the study of life. (This is also the group I'm doing the Year to Live practice with, primarily).

Our project started officially last month, and one of the first thing our group did was go to the Bodyworlds exhibit. Bodyworlds is a touring exhibit of plasticized bodies - real bodies - and misc. body parts. It's anatomy up close and personal. One of the things I got from the show was how hard it is to keep bodies from rotting - how thorough one has to be to fully plasticize a body so that there isn't the chance that rot will start. Prana is the what that keeps us from rotting - Life Itself. It is the energy which is allowing all action, all change, all living, to happen.

That was my first big realization about prana, and they've kept coming. But, what's interesting to me is that I didn't post about it. I thought about posting, I wanted to post, but did not do. I don't like communicating anything permanently. Sure, I'll talk to you like crazy (those who know me aver). But, don't ask me to write anything down which anyone will see. I get hives thinking that JB is reading my email as I write them, if he's standing behind me at the computer.

Any history of great betrayal? - mom reading my diary or anything, no way. Any plans to break through this block? Surely - I'm full of plans. I have three wikis and two blogs which I plan, look at, format . . . and mostly never write in. It feels like death to write. Death, you know - that sense of "if I do this, life will somehow become dark and final."

Weird. I hope it makes more sense later. To answer your questions, yes, I plan to keep this journal updated over the next year with my notes on (scary bass) my YEAR TO LIVE.

And, somehow I believe I will continue to have many more coincidences. Such as: I'm looking up Prana, find a blog which is called pranayoga and the post on it inspires me to revisit my own YTL journal by reminding me that others, too, find difficulties in "getting better", i.e., coping with the pleasant sensations of healing which then fit akwardly as all hell. Coincidences mean I'm onto something, in my world. I think this YTL (Year to Live) shit is going to be pretty amazing. Our first meeting is tomorrow.

But, before that, it's off to see GWAR! Another, more campy approach to death. And a date! With a cute boy. Unfortunately, 75% of my thoughts are how his last girlfriend was so great and I'm old (relatively - she was 19) and chubby. He better make a pass, or I'll beat him up.

In two weeks, a group project which I am a member of starts up. We'll be working through the book _A Year to Live_ by Stephen Levine. In working through his book, we all are asked to imagine we had a year to live and there are various questions and practices to go through to help us contemplate our own death and use that knowledge to clear out our closets and make life GREAT! Whether we have our own funeral at the end is up to us.

Mr. Levine has this to say in his book:

"This is a book of renewal. it is not simply about dying but about the restoration of the heart, which occurs when we confront our life and death with mercy and awareness. It is an opportunity to resolve our denial of death as well as our denial of life in a year-long experiment in healing, joy, and revitalization."

After reading the book the first time I felt fine; safe, even. The book is pretty safe - nice friendly language (as illustrated above). It reassures me that this project will be not only profound (obviously) but really healing and positive.

And you want to know why punks scorn hippies? Healing and positive . . . it doesn't say it all. Lets fills in the gaps. The first thing that gives me shivers - I'm going to have to be taking on me, myself in this project. I'll be cleaning out the closets and scraping off the neglect and I don't even like washing dishes and I'll be dealing with reality, which is just all fucking dirty dishes sometimes. And, it's going to be sharp and real and painful and scary.
Okay, so what's the carrot? What do I get out of it? I mean, denial of death is the big one, right? And, I sorta suck at wanting to face denial. And, what else is in there, in my mind? Self-loathing. My self-loathing is pretty goth - all black, S&M-y - it's old stuff modeled when I first realized I could *kill myself* and how *dramatic* my death could be (blahblahgothblah). It's painful, too - but sometimes I see how tacky it is. I'm a long way from the unhappy teen girl who responded to puberty by gaining 40 pounds, growing my bangs over my face and taking up with booze and women. But, I sure haven't let it go.

I don't know. I don't know what's going to motivate me to think this is alright, but I'm going to try it anyhow. Denial and self-loathing out! I only got a year to live and I'm bored with you two, fo' sho!

I suppose I'll have to lighten up, too. Shit.